Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
