I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
