This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
