eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
