I think im going to throw up on grandma
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
