I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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