he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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