I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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