I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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