we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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