I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
