Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
