Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
