you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
