I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
