I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
