I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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