my phone needs a breathalizer
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize