i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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