I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
