You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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