Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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