i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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