i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
