I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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