is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize