did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
