The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
