I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
