Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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