I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
