apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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