Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
