I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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