Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
