Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
