im six kinds of drunk right now
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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