So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You are the jesus of drinking
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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