apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize