happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
