My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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