He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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