I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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