Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I feel like a drive thru vagina
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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