I accidentally had phone sex last night
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you will always have a special place in my vag
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Floor bacon is actually really good
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
