I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
