im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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