Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
