Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
