So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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