Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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