Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
