So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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