Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
