is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
