Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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