he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
